RiversGrace

Navigating the Sacred and Mundane

Friday, April 06, 2007

Birth Message



I don't know how to start this story other than to say it goes way back. I can almost see her face and the way she turns her skirt in the kitchen, belly extended, radiant and warm with fresh baked bread beside her. She doesn't know that labor will be so difficult, and that she dies shortly after of complications. Barely time to hold her newborn daughter, she is gone. My great-grandmother.

My great-grandfather could not manage alone, now with a newborn and a small daughter. He sent them to live with his parents. He drifted further into alcohol and never returned, except once a decade or so, to ask for money.

My grandmother grew with her sister, Beulah, an artistic soul, who was made to marry a farmer early on. He sent her away to a mental institution for her eccentric traits where she later died.

My grandmother married a handsome young man, who worked in a boiler room of a stove company. She had two daughters. Her husband made his way up to become president of the company. One night he was to be honored at a meeting in Chicago. She never attended such functions, but this time she would surprise him. She bought a new dress and hat, rode the train alone (in the 30s) to Chicago. As she waited in back, she watched him take the stage. He introduced another woman as his wife. My grandmother slipped behind the back curtain, stole away to the train station, and returned home. She never said a thing.

When my mother, after three children and three miscarriages, was pregnant with me at 39, my grandmother slugged my father upon hearing the news. She hated him for putting her daughter in danger - she was too old, had had too many surgeries, and could die in child birth!

My mother tried to calm her mother. Even when she began to feel abdominal pain at six months, she assured her mother that everything was fine. When she had to miss Christmas Eve dinner to be taken to the emergency room, everyone worried. For five days she waited and agonized. They had to go in and operate and risk my death. Her death or my death, the odds were getting closer with each day they waited. With very little anesthesia, they removed abdominal adhesions that wrapped around her colon. I went into distress and they had to take me. She was far away and I was not yet close enough, and we passed each other, in the beginning, like that. I was four pounds.

That's the front story.

The other day in therapy, I am asked if the issue I need to look at has to do with my childhood? No. With my birth? Yes. Does it begin before my birth? Yes. How far back? With closed eyes, deep in trance, I nod my head yes as she counts back three generations. It's so far back I can't see clearly. I piece together bits of information, but more than that, I let myself swim down in consciousness, through my own body, to find the answers.

"What is the message that was given to your grandmother at birth?" she asks. Tears pour down my cheeks as the image of my grandmother as an infant appears before me. What could she possibly know about existence, except that her very being killed her mother? And shame. Shame about being a woman, and about all things associated with giving birth. And then I imagine my mother in the first moments after being born, tiny baby, left with feelings that she could never understand - why the sadness? Why doesn't her mother embrace her with affection? Like an unfurling ball of yarn, I feel in my body how the seeds of my mother's anger were planted then and consistently watered.

Continuing, "If your grandmother had gotten what she needed from her mother, what message might she have imparted to your mother at her birth?" And then, "If your mother had gotten what she needed from her mother, what message might she have given to you at your birth?" I just sat, tears from all of them, tears for all of us.

This is where the back story begins, the inside story. The story that becomes a belief, handed down from mother to daughter in my line.

My sisters and I all had labors over 35 hours each, all difficult, a few traumatic. One baby died in utero at nine months and my sister carried it for almost a week before she labored. My labor with River was 38 hours, I dialated to almost 10 centimeters, then had a c-section at the final hour - not because River was in distress....but for a reason that was as clear as day and as subconscious as the rest of this family inheritance.

This is an incredible country to visit - and one of those places that, upon arrival, I ask myself - have I been here before? It's all so familiar, beautiful, why didn't I think to come here sooner?

Since I started asking these questions and connecting with my ancestors around the beliefs these women offered at birth, my relationship with my daughter has completely shifted. Not one power struggle. We lay in bed and sing songs and laugh and I feel how we are held in wider arms....and that we, too, hold the women who never had the opportunity to heal their beliefs about their lives and their bodies and their notions of womanhood.

And now the weight on my back is not so ominous. It's for all of us. So as I search through boxes for their photos, old black and whites, peeling at the edges, I suddenly see how they are looking at me, waiting for me to resurrect their freedom. Lighting a candle on the altar, I place all of us in a circle and feel comforted that together we forge the frontier.

12 Comments:

Blogger Go Mama said...

It is so incredible that you both recognize and include your ancestors in the burden. I can feel the power in including them in your journey to understanding. Me? I cut bait and run in the opposite direction, trying my best to reinvent the wheel solo. The weight alone is crippling at times.

Sounds like you have found wonderful support with this therapist. So fantastic for you. I hope you'll share more of your healing journey...

11:51 AM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Prema, the cycle from mother to mother to mother is astounding. You bring this cycle to life and understanding. It is so difficult to comprehend and yet you beautifully weave this intricate relationship with compassion and pain.
Thank you for sharing. It sheds so much light in all the darkness.
Love you
Suzy

1:59 PM  
Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...

Ditto Suzy! Amazing - the whole thing. Please continue to bring us along on your discovery/recovery.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

This is indeed, an incredible country to visit, Prema. A fascinating--no, mesmerizing journey. Thank you for bringing us along.

So glad to hear you and River have met on a peaceful plane. May you both be held and rocked in those wider arms. May you both rejoice in the embrace.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

So powerful and so beautiful. I also ditto everything Suzy said. Traveling this path through generations of hurting mothers/daughters must be so difficult, but the rewards of your journey will be so rich--for you, for River, for her daughter--it is breathtaking to imagine.

The pain stops with you--and your tremendous ability to forgive, to lead with your heart, and to bring all of the generations back to each other in love.

8:20 PM  
Blogger holly said...

feel like there is nothing I can ad that hasn't been said.

This journey is so amazing, and maybe the struggle with River (and her calling you by your birth name)was at just past 2-years-old the olny means she had of leading you to this ...

so you and she and all those in line before you can move forward

8:35 PM  
Blogger Deb Shucka said...

Your gift for stitching together these amazing quilts of story is astounding to me. Your ability to love these women and share your light both backwards and forwards is inspiring and humbling. Thank you for this beautiful story.

7:40 AM  
Blogger Ask Me Anything said...

yes, thank you for this beautiful story.

8:20 AM  
Blogger kario said...

I love that you are here, Prema. I am sorry that it is painful and treacherous territory, but I am certain that this is the land you were meant to travel in your motherhood journey. Just think of the tale your daughter will be able to tell about breaking the cycle and being given a new start. You are wondrous. I will hold you in my heart during your trek.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

This is so beautiful Prema. Your healing will free not only previous generations, but River and her children and theirs.

Such important work.

You are beautiful.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Well, you have gone and knocked me on my ass again! This is amazing work and insight. Really, really amazing. And I so get it. And I so get how hard it is to come to this place.
I think it is in your cards to heal these wounds that bond you all, these generations of women. All of them run through you, and through River...and so in your wisdom gained, you set them free. It is a gift you give them, as well as your grand-daughter some day.
I know. I beleive.

;)

11:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post is so beautiful and so powerful. Our family roots go deep and the way they connect is is strong. What a wonderful insight for you and you daughter. I love the way you write and how you put things together!

7:12 PM  

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