What We Cannot Change
Every now and then I take down two books, both by David Richo. The first, How to Be an Adult: A Handbook for Psychological and Spiritual Integration, sounds simple. I tell you, I learn something new every time I crack the page. His latest book, The Five Things We Cannot Change...and The Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, has a permanent home next to my bed.
1. Everything changes and ends
2. Things do not always go according to plan
3. Life is not always fair
4. Pain is part of life
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time
Nothing earthshattering right? I know that.
What's actually true is that one part of me knows it, and other (younger?) aspects of self do not yet know. These ones believe that circumstances (and small people) can be controlled; my plans should automatically flourish without impediment; people, especially those I invest in emotionally, should be fair; life should be pleasurable if things are going well (according to plan); and that my loved ones should always be loving and committed.
It's so easy to avoid patterns of behavior. Rather, it's impossible to avoid patterns of behavior, so easy to blame everyone else. A two-year old is the ultimate trump card. But I find myself going there anyway: why does she make me feel so angry, even rageful.
The time it takes to light my fuse? Seconds. And that's the humiliating part.
Guilt and angst get me nowhere, it's not even satisfying. So, what then.
After I kick the wall (my favorite thing to do as a kid) or hit the wall (ouch) or throw something down like a (ahem!) two-year old, I pick up these books and become a student again. I reach for teachings, a thousand times, again and again.
I never understood how my mother could experience that kind of anger. I get it. And I think it's not so horrible. It's just very important for some of us to stay close to our teachers, come to the teachings every day, remember our vows every day.
posted by riversgrace | 3:52 PM PERMALINK
12 Comments:
It is truly amazing how quickly such a little person can bring us to rage. You are doing absolutely the right thing by acknowledging your reactions and trying to understand them. How lucky River is to have such an enlightened Mommy! Love to you both.
Wow, you have tapped a feeling that I and I think many moms feel. I was telling my husband a few weeks ago that when our daughter (15 months) throws a book and lands corner end on my foot (ouch!) it takes all my strength to let it go because she does not know better.
(Wow. Blogger just ate my comment again. Ok, take 2.)
It's the most incredibly journey, motherhood, with it's high being the ultimate creation...pure love in form... and the lows, oh God, the lows. The what have I done, who AM I lows. Oh, do I know.
Growing isn't easy...for them of for us. But we do, we do.
Breathe....Love....this will pass...
What a gorgeous picture of you two.
And yes, River is lucky that you think so hard about all this stuff, that you see it all so clearly.
And I am lucky to have all these amazing examples of motherhood.
Love you.
go mama just said it so perfectly. Can't ad anything to that.
LOVE.
Love you.
Love to you and River.
holly
I'll tell you this, those 2 year old girls are TOUGH! Boys are way easier! Even HARD boys! It gets better, and better, and better! Lucy could make my blood boil in 2 seconds at that age, now, at almost 13 it takes a full 2 minutes!
Did you read Carrie's post about the Indigo Girls where she quotes the lyric, "The hardest to learn is the least complicated."
Your post is yet more proof of this truth.
You are very, very close to your most important teacher. She lives in you and you in her. As the stunning photo shows, she reflects you in many ways.
When my kids were small, my anger rose quickest and strongest when they were showing me things I didn't want to know about myself. Come to think of it, that's as true today as it ever was.
Guess that's one more thing we cannot change.
Blessings to you and River. You are beautiful, separately and together. Physically and spiritually.
" But I find myself going there anyway: why does she make me feel so angry, even rageful"...
I do this, too. I am ashamed to admit. But I just lose it for very little reason. Funny enough, not with my two year old-- who pushes her weight and says "no!", but with my son. Who is possibly THE easiest child who ever lived. Seriously. But he is also so much like me...So emotional. It drives me nuts. Such a worry wart. Drives me nuts. Just like me.
I wonder what it is I need to learn? Why is it so easy to lose it with the gentle child? Maybe I am a bully in mommy clothing. But I have lived it all the before, only I was the easy little child and my mom was the bitch.
*sigh*
As always, you make me think. I am going to buy these books.
...Also. You two are both so beautiful. Your little one is an angel. And I see we both shop at Nartje. ;)
kisses
:)
That is the most beautiful photo--the love flowing between you two is palpable.
I'm thinking about this post in relation to JL's most recent post on anger. It's so tough: we have to let ourselves feel anger, even embrace it, but then it feels impossible to control the when/where/why/hows of it.
And based on the feisty and stubborn attitude in my little one, which is adorable in a one-year old, I am terrified of age 2! I'll read those books...and go sign up for that kickboxing class too.
I've just read the last three posts and am blown away by the beautiful and ugly truths you've intertwined. Amazingly thoughtful.
I'm with Kim (and always Terry)- the anger thing is a tough one.
Even if you don't have kids. We were taught as kids, that anger meant you weren't liked, so you had to do EVERYTHING in your power not to make anyone angry.
I finally stopped doing this about a year ago. It's exhausting, and the anger just turns inward.
My honor and respect to the mothers above who know HOW to raise children.
The anger scares me the most, too, Prema, and it's the most natural thing in the world - anger. For me, it's THE hardest thing to manage, to examine, to admit I feel it - especially toward my son. And what's so shameful about getting so mad I feel like running my head through a wall?
By reading your work here, it helps me so much. It is so important that we write about anger and discuss it. Because of our culture, we supress it and, like Suzy wrote, we turn it inward. Keep writing about it, Prema. Keep it coming. You are NEVER alone in it.
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