Free Fall
Driving streets in Berkeley, River doesn't remember our old house, the way we walked to Peet's around the corner every day. She doesn't remember herself in the thousand iterations of becoming, baby to baby girl. And I am a bundle of roots tied to boxes, mislabeled, open, shoved in corners, piled in the basement in Portland.
Sunday morning at the coffee house where I spent countless days writing, but all I do is stare down, tear fingernails in a neat line, toss them to the floor, free fall. Two days down with the flu, two days out and I almost want to talk but not yet. Who knew that this sadness would take over as soon as the pace slowed.
In six months we've lost almost all of our assets, moved twice, found out our daughter has extensive food allergies, gone through a string of jobs, and spent every day in survival mode. Now, we decide to fly on Christmas morning to see family, three days after moving again. I can't even make intelligible conversation. A shadow of myself, I'm floating.
And grieving....
posted by riversgrace | 10:56 AM PERMALINK
12 Comments:
There has been so much loss in this move to Portland. Loss, but also so much new that will continue to open to you, in time. So take care of yourself, do what you need to do, and know how loved you are.
Sending you lots of coconut mate love from Seattle. And a long hug.
You float. We'll be down here holding tight to the line!
p.s.
LOVE YOU!
Oh honey... I wish I could say something wise to take your aches away. All I have is, I love you.
(((you)))
:)
I don't know you that well (aside from reading your amazing posts for almost a year) but I do know you have so many people who love you and will keep you tethered and never let you fall. You are an amazing person, with a beautiful soul. Feel the love that surrounds and shelters you and let it bring you peace.
I know things will get better, and I am sorry things are so tough right now.
XOXOX
Oh Prema, I am so sorry. It sounds like you needed this time to grieve in the dark night of this day that has passed. Sometimes it's good to just let yourself feel it, the sadness, the quiet of it.
The glowing pink dawn of a new day is coming, I know it. It's just over the horizon, ready to brighten your dark corners and help you begin again.
Hey Prema-
Thinking of you and sending prayers...
Love you
Suzy
Time and schedules keep us from seeing each other much in portland, but it is good for me to see where you are on your journey by reading your blog (even now that you are out of town). No surprise you fell ill after how hard and consistently you have been working. Grieving is so important.
Love, love, love,
Julie
Yes, you are grieving. There is room for that too. And while you grieve, we hold you until you no longer grieve. And when that grief cycle starts up again, we will still be here to hold you. That's what a good tribe does.
love.
Sending love and virtual cocktails.
Happy New Year sweetie!
As hard as this has been, know that you are so much more than mislabeled boxes shoved in corners.
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Dearest P. You may feel like a shadow of yourself right now, but we, your tribe, continue to see your full and magnificent self. Deeply colored. Run through with light. Real.
As I have wandered in the darkness lately, you have been one of the lights beckoning from the distance. From the depths of my soul, I thank you and offer that light back to you.
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