RiversGrace

Navigating the Sacred and Mundane

Monday, May 21, 2007

Dharma?



I had an impulse to totally spill the contents of my mind, without any thought of censorship, because I need to and I have about an hour where I don't have to tend to the thousand things on a list....but upon arriving to the cafe, I opened email to discover news of my dear friend Gry's labor and the birth of her newborn daughter, Alma, in Denmark.

I burst into tears. And here I am, moments later, still pulling myself together, but not all together. And the copious items on my list seem inconsequential in comparison to this other glorious event.

River's teacher called to say that she had a hard morning, cried for twenty minutes about tea spilling on her shirt, and she won't eat lunch. "Is something going on at home?"

"Um, we gave the cat away last night (Bye, kiddy, yu goeen new house, bye bye). Racoons came in and peed all over the bathroom and ate River's muffin, leaving it in a pile on the floor (Daddy, coons ate mufeen, coons come, coons eat River's food!). We looked at four houses this weekend to rent for three weeks. ("Dis our new house, mama??") We're moving to a different new house. Her sister is leaving for college. We're packing her toys. That's about it...."

Meanwhile, the new owners have changed the move date twice. So twice I call back our mover and the storage place and renegotiate dates and cost. Changed the rental house contract, too. Our realtor informs me that (oops) our washer and dryer are included in the sale. The new owner keeps asking if I will be leaving things for them....and I want to scream at her that we are already spending thousands of dollars to move twice, etc. She's in my kitchen right now with her contractor (can't she wait a few weeks?) Apparently not. Our realtor informs me that they can come in as many times as they want until escrow closes. Truly, not a moment to myself to exhale.

The minute one step resolves, another piece of the equation waves at me. Oh, right, plans for the remodel at the new house. Have I ever remodeled before? No. Will I have the plans complete, choosing paint, tiles, fixtures, tubs, closet configurations in a week or two? Yep.

I'm bitching. Totally bitching. I just feel like I am doing 95% of everything to do with this major transition. Should I bitch about that? Organizing all the financial information that is not yet organized. Who will pack if I spend hours and hours on that? And who will tend to my daughter if I am doing those things?

I can't do it all....but I am. I notice that I do everything that needs to be done, then am too tired to take care of myself at the end of the night. Others in my family take care of themselves first. You do the math.

Is it wise to accept this as my training? I'm learning a lot. I think I could manage a large business confidently at this point. Is this my training....and my practice? Or am I a martyr? In any given situation (especially a family) there is only so much one can control or change. I do ask for help, do hire help when I can, but I find myself holding most of the details of daily functioning......and I don't know if that's normal. Is that my job?

My husband calls. I say, "I have a five page list of stuff that needs to get done before moving to Portland." He's working out. He says, "Oh, I thought you called for sex."

10 Comments:

Blogger Paula said...

Oh resentment. Isn't it a hard nut. Your husband has me laughing. Gracious woman, hold on. You can ride this out. It is a crazy time. It is a transition. I would say to lower your expectations about everything if you can. I'm rooting for you!

You must bitch. All the best!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Go Mama said...

Oh, honey. Isn't that just how it is?!
Well, rant away...you're safe here.
I say, pour yourself a nice glass of wine while your hubby puts River to bed, and slip into a tub of bubbles. Take the moments when you can get them...
and for what it's worth, running a household/remodel/sale/move IS like running a company!

Hang in there!
T

7:32 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Oh, is that all that is going on??
*SNORT*

It is not just you. It seems to be the way men and women are-- even if they are not married. I was watching Bill Cosby doing stand up last night on tv, and he even was making jokes about how men are like this...and how that makes them smart. It takes brains to get away with doing so little! That is how he put it.

I have been stressing out in anticipation of how much I am going to be doing when school starts-- and then after I am done! What won't get done, if I don't do it. How will I mangage it all, so that no one (the kids, the relationship) suffers? I don't know why it shoudl all be up to us. Maybe just because we do it.

I try not to be so co-dependent. I have learned sometimes not to do things, and see what happens. Sometimes nothing happens, it wasn't as important as I thought. But sometimes the shit hits the fan,and then the next time I get some fucking help. he listens to me.

...Did you scream at him when he said that? lol! I really, really, REALLY. WOULD. HAVE. SCREAMED. at him.

Do you ever feel like you need to just totally lose it in order for him to get his ass in gear? Yeah. It just works that way.

Ask Bill Cosby.

oxoxoxox
:)

8:24 AM  
Blogger kario said...

Been there. Sometimes it's so comforting to know that you can do it all, even if you end up resenting it. It took me years of marriage to realize that I was only hurting myself by doing that -I didn't get to spend any time with my husband or my kids and I was pissed off all the time. Finally, I sat down and made a list of all the stuff I had to get done and asked my hubby which ones he was willing to do. He was astonished at the size of the list and thrilled that I wasn't yelling at him about it, so he picked several and I felt better. I may have even decided to have sex that night (I can't recall) so I guess it worked in both our favors.

We all need to vent sometimes - moving is terrible, especially when you're moving long distance. Good luck.

Love.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Julie Christine said...

Wow! You have a lot on your plate! Doing everything you are doing and taking care of a little tike on top of that is an act of a miracle. I hope you hang in there and manage to get more hubby and outside support. You will be prepared to take on the world after this feat!

5:58 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

Have you clearly told him how you feel about this? Have you shown him that list and asked him what's he's going to do besides hiking and working out?

You will get a break this week! Very soon. Can you fit that bath in tonight?

Those damn raccoons! Don't they know not to take a little girl's muffin?

8:12 PM  
Blogger hg said...

OMG - the racoons, poor girl. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not enough that her stuff is packed and she has no idea where she's going to live - the racoons are stealing her food.

7:38 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Oh, sweet little River, I feel like I can hear her when you write her voice that way. It's a tough moment, but she's held safe in your love, and I'm sure she'll be just fine.

In the meantime, it sounds to me like you have a list to split at least in half!

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a lot that you are dealing with right now. Give yourself permission to complain, vent and let it all out. On the the list of stressors, this is at the top, so let it spill....In the mean time, take good care of yourself. Put your needs first, treat yourself, pamper yourself and I know how hard this is to do when everything is so crazy. Remember to breath, write and play with your beautiful baby. It will all fall into place.....By the way, I think your husband and mine would be good friends. Peace and blessings.

4:05 AM  
Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...

Been there. If my husband did each and everything from now until the day he dies, we still wouldn't be even, but he's better, way, way better. You've gotta take off and leave him with River for a minimum of 1 week, or he'll never "get it." 2-3 weeks and you might see him beg.

9:20 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home