Branching Woman
In the mirror this morning: wrinkles around the eyes, deeper and I look with shock. Bending over the rail from the road up top, I see the grooves of a dry river bed – it used to be so full and flowing. What happened?
Summer pants from a box in the basement. None of them fit.
I remember young years of hot sun and hours of practice on the tennis court. Baking my skin and running my joints into a future ground that I would not feel into until now. Until now when I cannot turn in bed without pain. What happened?
All that passing age. All that sun so that I would be beautiful for men. What a waste.
I’m turning up the folk song to blast because, god dammit, it keeps in such perfect time with regret.
I look at my three year old – that milky soft skin and those dimply knees. That’s divinity. I cannot imagine sending her out into the world with the message to subjugate her growing to please others. For love.
That we should ever ever ever manipulate our deepest impulses to fit a cultural image - that’s a sin if sin exists.
And what if you’ve done that all your life and now you’re looking into your fourth decade, all the careless signs showing. This may be the first summer that I want nothing to do with being tan and attractive.
I want honest health and real vitality. And I don’t know how to get there from here.
posted by riversgrace | 6:00 AM PERMALINK
10 Comments:
So much of what we do merely to please others leaves lasting damage we can't see until much late.
This from a woman who used to roast in the sun, marinating in a mixture of baby oil and iodine.
If you figure out the honest health and real vitality thing, write immediately. It's an answer I want, too.
Yes you do.
I'm with Carrie - I'm betting that all you have to do is listen to your heart and you'll know exactly what the way is. It's inside you.
Love.
You already ARE getting there from here. That's what this Whole Thing's about!
xXXXOOooOOX
Gosh, I am listening to a cd of a lecture by Maryanne Williamson, and she was just talking about this!I should copy it and send it to you. You would like it. she is super. If you send me your email, i will copy it for you. ;)
And thanks for saying this, because I am a white girl. It may not be as "hot" and sexy, but it will save me a few years of good skin later.
:)
I want it, too. And it has eluded me for so long. But we'll get there.
I must say that you have a kind of soul health and vitality that many people lack, and I know it's about balance, but you are very rich already, and I have no doubt you can find the way if you listen. (If you get stuck, you can do some push-ups with Happie.)
I loved this insight. Found you at Carrie's. Your writing is beautiful.
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Love what you are now and go from there.It is our heart that matters most.
Fountains of vitality, rivers of honest reality in your words, Prema -- there's at least some of your medicine.
All that sun ... boy do I relate to *that* mistake!
Here's to becoming pale but hale! xo t
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