RiversGrace

Navigating the Sacred and Mundane

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Finding Water


Running through days. Days into weeks and weeks into months, I am spinning so fast that I am now held in great stillness. A top in perfect motion, after the wobbling momentous push and before the teetering slowdown, I balance.

I miss writing.

The back story is that we are filing for bankruptcy and losing another property, our final one, our home. And losing possessions, many of which are the last and only things my mother left me. For twenty years I've stored and moved beautiful heirlooms and never imagined this would be their end. But truthfully, I am not a woman who lived in the same house for thirty years. I have moved sixty times in my adult life, nomadic at heart.

Dreams and ideas, longings never manifested, all this is going, too.

These days I'm really no good for conversation with other moms in the preschool pickup line. I'm staying clear of most gatherings and opportunities for small talk.

Yesterday, I spontaneously wept in the produce aisle. I'm not even sad anymore, not raw or plagued. I'm past that place. I don't have a lengthy prayer list. Really, I have few words at all. I did curse Martha Stewart with the woman working in produce, though. We had quite a belly laugh about that.

I've been getting up to watch the sunrise, and feel greatly comforted by the emergence of color - red from behind the dark sky. I've been moved to watch my daughter's face upon waking, how spirit illumines the body.

I find myself closing eyes in the in-between moments of busyness, and find a meadow, silent and serene, some sort of natural divinity.

I see all the effort I expend to 'create a life' and watch how it all comes falling down when I live like that. I try to recreate what was given to me in childhood, even though it didn't really work then, instead of residing in what was given to me in the years of spiritual seeking.

We are always given a chance to accept our soul's right path. I wonder now, outside of the addiction of ideals, how long I will refuse that opportunity? Feels like, after a long dry spell, I am finding my way to water. All the money and stuff, the big houses and way of being a family.....was exhausting. I haven't slept much in the last four years. I'm beginning to sleep again.

Loss is a great teacher. It opens up to a simple love.

Let go, let be, listen inside.

Happy Thanksgiving. May we all embrace the love around and within us,
and may we accept blessings for the journey.

photo by J. Uelsmann

16 Comments:

Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...

Thank you, great teacher. I learn so much from you. I am thankful for you beyond words.

love.

7:04 AM  
Blogger HINT Jewelry Design said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. The honesty and rawness is so real that I am deeply moved. You feel like a point of stillness to me and yet constantly offering your beauty in every moment.

I wish you peace and rest.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Jerri said...

I am thankful you're beginning to sleep again.

I am also thankful for your wise guidance and loving spirit. Your final message may be the most enduring: may we accept blessings.

Those blessings are always there, aren't they? We have only to accept them.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Beautiful, wise and heartbreaking all at the same time. And it's the broken heart that receives love and blessings the best. So glad to know you as you travel this road. Love to you.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Heidi said...

I've just discovered your blog, and feel already a deep kinship to it. I am moved by your words.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

And this is how the Light gets in, isn't it? I am happy you are starting to feel that light through these fucking cracks. I am happy you are starting to sleep. I pray for peace in your dreams, and in your waking life.

You are a blessing in the way you share your path.

Much, much love my friend.

:)

9:52 PM  
Blogger Go Mama said...

Glad to hear you are sleeping.
Glad to hear you are finding your way to water.
Glad to hear your words.
Glad to know you.

You are a blessing, and a courageous spirit.

Much Love.

10:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I find myself in times of trouble mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom - let it be. Love and blessings, Gry

11:54 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

I have been concerned for all of you and kept watching for a posting on your blog. Our hearts and prayers are with you and we pray for "your highest and best", the journey is filled with valleys and mountains but the love never ceases to flow over us. with love, Mary Franklin

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

In Muir Woods

Masters of stillness,
masters of light,
who, when cut by something
falling, go nowhere and heal,
teach me this nowhere,

who, when falling themselves,
simply wait to root
in another direction,
teach me this falling.

Four hundred year old trees,
who draw aliveness from the earth
like smoke from the heart of God,
we come, not knowing
you will hush our little want
to be big;

we come, not knowing
that all the work is so much
busyness of mind; all
the worry, so much
busyness of heart.

As the sun warms anything near,
being warms everything still
and the great still things
that outlast us

make us crack
like leaves of laurel
releasing a fragrance
that has always been.

Mark Nepo

8:52 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

I am glad to see you writing again, I do miss it.

Its a hard path you're on these days, but there is plenty of good in there, too. I'm glad you're sleeping more.

Love you.

12:34 AM  
OpenID mommymystic said...

Just happened upon your blog and was so touched by it - your honesty about what you are going through right now, your posts on motherhood, and your beautiful writing. I also love the motherhood and spirituality book list - I had found some but not all of these books and am really happy to have found this. So in your time of loss, just wanted to say thank you, and let you know that you definitely have created some beautiful ripples 'out there' in the pond of the world. I'll be back:-)

10:51 AM  
Blogger holly said...

wow, i'm so late to the party on this post.

as usual, the writing is true and beautiful and lots to think on,

So glad you are back here, even if only sporadically, I can't get enough .

11:36 AM  
Blogger Paula said...

Your words have moved me, and my heart and prayers go to you during this time. Your strength and spirit are inspiring.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Where are you babe?

:)

8:59 PM  
Blogger hcgoodman said...

I miss your writing so much.

9:54 PM  

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